The Cacophony of Learned Helplessness and how to not get used to it

Here’s something I have been mulling over for a while. Have you seen those scenes from TV shows or movies where it's a school day for the kids, and the father is asked to help out with the breakfast. 

Remember how sometimes, he’d end up burning the pancakes, or how sometimes he could not find something he was asked to look for, even when it was right in front of him—until the other parent inevitably stepped in to “fix” it.

Notice how I mentioned, how he is asked to look for it, how he is asked to help out in the kitchen with the breakfasts? 

Yes, for now, let’s just keep that noted down somewhere. 

While growing up, I found these sitcoms funny, thinking that these are theatrics played up for the screens. But when I caught myself stepping in—again—because someone “just could not do it” or “did not know how to”, it made me wonder if these scenes were meant as a humorous jab after all. There’s something familiar in the way these shows handle everyday blunders though, right? 

It’s like they hold up a mirror, making us reflect on the parallels of what they show, to what happens within the walls of many families. 

It made me wonder, are we really picking roles based on who can or cannot, or are we just acting out scripts we’ve been made to memorise since we were young? 

And just like that, the humour was lost on me.

So, what are these familiar family scripts? 

And where are they branching out from?  

Do you recall those moments where every attempt at doing a task, just ended up in an oops moment? 

Over and over, with no room to learn or grow from the help or guidance, led us to some version of “this is just not his cup of tea” by the rest who reinforce this script.

That’s where the concept of Learned Helplessness comes into the picture. 

This is when, in the bigger scheme of these scripts, someone settles into the role of “I don’t know how to,” overtime. So, they choose to put their hands up and walk away instead of looking for avenues to work on it.

What we are discussing here, on the other hand, can look awfully similar to learned helplessness, however this time around, it is essentially them leaning into this narrative to dodge any responsibility by weaponizing the—often performative, cluelessness. 

Or, as we can term it, “Weaponized Incompetence". 

Many discussions of weaponized incompetence, especially in online forums, center around the skewed division of tasks in heteronormative relationships. So, while learned helplessness is a vital piece of the puzzle, there’s a lot more happening beneath the surface. 

When we zoom out further, these familiar “I don’t know how to” moments often get wrapped up in larger cultural expectations and the roles we are nudged to play into. 

Imagine an unwritten but also unformidable rulebook that’s being passed down, subtly guiding who does what based on who we are or how we identify. 

It reminds me of those moments growing up when I, presenting as a woman, was asked to help out—regardless of what I was busy with—because my brother “will just mess it up.” 

Or how I’d have to redo the same chore after he’d supposedly done it, just in case he’d missed something. Those little favors family assumed you will always offer weren’t random; they echoed a pattern where some of us were quietly handed more responsibility, while others had permission to lean into that “I don’t know how” role, often divided patriarchally.

These roles, shaped by cultural expectations and gender, often end up establishing this learned helplessness. That tendency to act/stay “clueless” in the face of a responsibility leads to a dynamic where one person always steps up to do the work, while the other gets the choice to walk away from it with their pockets full of societal advantages. 

At this point, it’s not just about where/how these subtle nuances exist anymore, but also about how this cycle keeps spinning with no end in sight. It can feel easier—read: familiar—to slip into the role of always stepping up around someone with a “can’t do it” narrative because following that script is going to always seem easier than straying from the default. 

But that’s exactly why we’re here. 

Awareness and realization are the first measures, so you can keep an eye out for–

1. Repeatedly doing a task poorly—like burning the pancakes when asked to help with breakfast, or immediately relying on external help when you can’t find something within the first look through.

2. Shifting the narrative by playing clueless, “You’re just better at it than I am” or “they will just make mistakes we know you’d avoid”.

3. Passing the responsibility back to you, “Well, you never told me how to do it.” or the crowd favorite, “If you give me a list, I could follow it”.

   
   

Now, for those who’ve nodded along so far, here’s the driving point we have been leading up to: How do you respond, when someone you care about defaults to these patterns?

Sure, it’s easy to say “communication is key,” but what does that really mean in practice?

First, sometimes gently, calling out the behavior is important. 

This helps create a space where both people can get on the same page without rushing to a blame game or defensive ‘It’s not me, it's you!’. 

We name what we notice, we do not point fingers.

Next, clarify expectations.

Whether in the household or the relationship, when everyone knows what’s expected, it’s easier to hold each other accountable and move past it.

Gently calling out behaviors must ideally be paired with breaking the enabling loop. If help is needed, let it come from a place of guidance and support—not taking over the task entirely. It might take longer once, maybe twice, but in the longer run you will be granted a day you could actually rely on them. 

Breaking these deep-rooted habits is a process, it won't happen overnight. 

Acknowledging these patterns is the first step towards breaking these conditioned roles, with a side of compassion, not only for them but also yourself. 

If you wondered how you’d actually go about it, you can always speak to a therapist at Mehfooz Therapy.